I haunt my own home

Monday, December 12, 2005

Is it Ok to Backstab Someone After They Backstab You?

I recently found out the horrible hypocrisy of someone I've always defended, at least in my mind, when ppl close to me tell me she's worse than worse.

And I have an issue with being backstabbed. To me, she's a bitch and the worst kind. Just beyond the beyonds. I don't hate her, I despise her.

And I've been deriving an inordinate amt of pleasure from backstabbing her, or maybe frontstabbing, since I don't bother to hide my anger behind a smiling face.

Thats not to say I went and slapped her, I simply ignore her.

But really, the pleasure, the vicious evilness, so delicious to me now, makes me wonder, is it right?

I feel like I've lost something, in knowingly, consciously, backstabbing someone. I've gossipped before naturally, said mean things, but never ever to hurt as consciously as I have done so.

And while I don't feel guilty, certainly I don't think I've paid her back in full, I feel like I've lost a certain innocence. Or as M so aptly put it, I've lowered myself into the muck pit to fight and I've certainly got my hands dirty.

I kinda wish I didn't lose that part of me. But I'm also kinda proud of myself, for paying back what was long owed, and finally defending myself instead of my usual boohoohoo-i've-been-bullied-please-help-me defense system.

So help me God, I'm not turning back. I don't know if I even can.

michele | 10:42 AM