I haunt my own home

Frosty

2006-01-22T06:29:00.000-08:00

I went to Harbour Front with M and Samuel on Friday. There I met Frosty. And fell in love with her. (At least I think that its a her)

She was in a glass cage that was broken on top. The pet shop ppl had put some masking tape on the top of the broken part and the min someone walks past her, she'd stand on her hind legs and pop her head out and look at you. Sooooo cute!! I seldom gush like this, but its really adorable. Like a puppy, big eyes and long floppy ears.

Later the sales person came over and talked to us about Frosty. And she kept staring at us, like she knew I wanted to buy her!! Got the kind of why-u-nt-taking-me-home-now kinda look. I wanted to carry her home!! Then she stomp stomp stomp her foot. I cannot take it. Really too cute.

Frosty = $550. Any rich and kind souls out there?

2006-01-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

One fine Saturday, M and I went grocery shopping. We bought so much we cldn't run in e rain. My favourite items are the Basil Leaves and Steakhouse Spice. Yummy. Xingjian came to my house to cook too! We literally cooked up a storm in my kitchen. M and XJ were the professional chefs while I was the kitchen assistant who kept going, eh what is that ah? How to do ah? Eeee... Argh!! I got burned by the oil!! AHhhhh!! Nooooo..

Anyway, the results of our efforts are below.

The food was really good. Steak was done by M, while sphagetti was by Xj and me. Actually I helped marinate the sirloin strips also.. haha... Threw an obscene amt of wine in but it actually turned out great! Oh.. Xj was horrified by my kitchen knives, said it was a shame how I let them become so blunt. Me *scratches head in wonder* kitchen knives must be so sharp for wad, later I drop on my foot how?

We played Scrabble then Hotel after dinner. Xj was very reluctant to play Hotel becuz he apparently had an overdose of it when he was a kid.

We later let lose my hamster in the middle of Le Grand hotels.. haha..

2006-01-18T05:21:00.000-08:00

Today I attended my first event. It was at the Tower Club at Republic Plaza. Its on the 62nd floor, the view was great. This was my face when I saw the Ladies though.

Check out the toilets.

Is it ok to backstab someone after they backstab you?

2005-12-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

Is it Ok to Backstab Someone After They Backstab You?

I recently found out the horrible hypocrisy of someone I've always defended, at least in my mind, when ppl close to me tell me she's worse than worse.

And I have an issue with being backstabbed. To me, she's a bitch and the worst kind. Just beyond the beyonds. I don't hate her, I despise her.

And I've been deriving an inordinate amt of pleasure from backstabbing her, or maybe frontstabbing, since I don't bother to hide my anger behind a smiling face.

Thats not to say I went and slapped her, I simply ignore her.

But really, the pleasure, the vicious evilness, so delicious to me now, makes me wonder, is it right?

I feel like I've lost something, in knowingly, consciously, backstabbing someone. I've gossipped before naturally, said mean things, but never ever to hurt as consciously as I have done so.

And while I don't feel guilty, certainly I don't think I've paid her back in full, I feel like I've lost a certain innocence. Or as M so aptly put it, I've lowered myself into the muck pit to fight and I've certainly got my hands dirty.

I kinda wish I didn't lose that part of me. But I'm also kinda proud of myself, for paying back what was long owed, and finally defending myself instead of my usual boohoohoo-i've-been-bullied-please-help-me defense system.

So help me God, I'm not turning back. I don't know if I even can.

Pungol? Urban Legend?

2005-12-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

Pungol? Urband Legend?

Bf: Hey, I read an article in the newspapers that says we can get a flat in Pungol for just $220,000!

Me: Pungol? Where's that?

Bf: Near Sengkang. Its only $792 a month if we take a 30 year loan. And that's with no outlay.

Me:Sengkang? Where's that?

Silence. Bf looks at me with an annoyed expression

Me: Is this some kinda urban legend? Like neverneverland? Cause I have no idea where these places are.

Bf: They're near the pig farms.

Me: Snorts.

Silence
Me: You seriously want us to live near pig farms?

Bf gives up and continues eating.

Just came back from Bangkok

2005-12-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

Bangkok Trip

Just came back from Bangkok. Never bought anything for myself except 2 Triumph Bras. Everything else is meant to be sold away. And there are TONs and Tons of things. haha.. abercrombie skirts, abercrombie jeans, abercrombie shorts, abercrombie t-shirts, clutch bags, sling bags, tops, earrings.

Will put up the pictures soon.

I Don't Like People

2005-11-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

I Don't Like People

I love my ipod nano though.

Was talking to YH, talking about how I've finally found undeniable evidence that "the thing" is malicious.

Maybe I'll share the story someday. Not now though. Too disappointing.

I have a great urge to tell her to her face, "I know what you did was on purpose, that you were being malicious. I think you are a bitch."

Call me stupid, but I always thought that very few ppl actually did mean things consciously, purposely. Especially ppl I knew, I always ppl were better when you got to know them.

Still, nmind. I like the friends I already have. I'll just be more careful is all.

Free Books are My Downfall

2005-11-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

I've been working the last four days. Every night since my exams have ended.

I've begun to notice disturbing things about myself and the ppl in that environment. Not just the pub/restaurant I work at, probably at most others as well.

Naturally some ppl make real friends there, but mostly, ppl talk and joke and are friendly with each other only because they have no choice. They are stuck in a small space together, in a job tt requires coordination with others, and with a need to keep a close watch on each other to make sure they are on top of the latest shifts in favor and situations.

Always putting on a mask for the boss, the manager, the supervisors, the colleagues. All different masks.

I might be silly, I believe that friends should be made with ppl I truly feel a connection towards. Perhaps connections can be built, made. But I do not believe that anyone can be friends with each other, friendly maybe, but not friends.

And maybe I've seen enough backstabbing to last a lifetime, but I'm sure its not the last time. Sometimes I cannot believe how evil ppl can be to each other. I just can't believe that ppl wld do what they do on purpose, consciously, but I've witnessed it too many times to continue to keep myself in the dark.

Waitress in Waiting

2005-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

Waitress in Waiting

I need to change my job. Its seriously boring me.

Ok I'll stop boring everyone about it. Will change it as soon as I can get over feeling guilty for wanting to quit on my boss who's too nice to me.

Shopaholic Anonymous.

2005-11-12T02:25:00.000-08:00

Shopaholic Anonymous.

Bought a dress today. 99 bucks.

Bought a notebook today. 18 bucks.

Had dinner with M and a session at our favorite haunt.

Bought my life back in those few moments.

Thank you.

Who's the Magistrate??

2005-11-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

Who's my Magistrate?

I made an enquiry via email to the police, about the camera-snapping SOB in the MRT incident. Asked whether it was illegal.

I got a reply today.

Dear Michele

I refer to your e-mail on the taking of others' photographs without their consent.There is a law of intentional harassment, where the person whose photo was taken objected to it. He/she can file a complaint with the Mag*strate andthe Mag*strate will deal with the culprit.

Regards

P*ul Tan

for Quality Service Manager

S*ngapore Pol*ce Force

Who's my Mag*strate? Damn, am I ignorant or something? Am I supposed to know who the Mag*strate is?

And incidentally, is The Mag*strate gonna be on the train with me when I get harrassed by trigger-happy camera snappers? No? Then who do I call to find The Mag*strate?

Know what? I'll stick to the kickboxing.

I Am Extremely Destructive

2005-11-09T01:44:00.000-08:00

Destruction

Realized that I'm very self-destructive. I like to destroy the things around me that are working and beautiful, the things that keep me going. Beautiful relationships.

I think its cuz I'm afraid of being too dependent on them, so I try to destroy them first. Its quite terrible. I have to stop doing this.

Michele to Self: Please, please stop doing this. Its not funny at all, if you go on like this, I'm gonna die.

Self: I know. I can't help it.

Michele: Wtf you mean you can't help it? Please, stop using that as an excuse, if you can't help it then who can? Please please, try can? I can't go on like this. And if I die, you won't survive either.

Self: Ok, I try.

Ramblings of a crazy girl.

Exams, What Exams?

2005-11-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

Exams, What Exams?

I feel so jaded when it comes to exams. Maybe because this is 301 and I think I've studied enough to not fail. And somehow, it feels like, even if I fail, I don't give a damn. Its just another module.

Its not like me at all. I'm usually super anxious about exams, esp the night before. But since the accting paper, its like I dont give a f*** anymore.

I just want to go out. Want to feel the wind, the breeze, stand under a lamp post and bath in the orange light. Wanna walk past humanity, masses of ppl, and then walk alone with only my shadow for company. Want to go to the supper places and eat and laugh. Want to live.

Anyone up for it?

So Pissed I'm Gonna Take Up KickBoxing

2005-11-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

So Pissed I'm Gonna Take Up KickBoxing

I. Am. So. Fucking. Pissed.

I was sitting in the mrt train. Happily reading my textbook. Suddenly, I note someone sitting rather close to me. Now, this is odd. Becuz I seem to remember him sitting opposite me with his 2 other friends. They were all Indonesian/Thai/whatever. What is even odder is that the Bangladesh worker who was sitting a seat away from me, actually moved away another seat so this guy cld sit comfortably. So Why Was He Still Sitting So Close TO ME??

That was Clue Number One that something is wrong.

I assumed he wanted to face his two friends to talk. SO i continue reading my notes. Then, I notice an increase of laughter and talking. I look up. TO SEE HIS FRIEND POINTING HIS BLOODY CAMERA PHONE IN MY DIRECTION!!

And he was OBVIOUSLY trying to take a picture of his friend and me together! WTF?? I glared at him. To no avail because shortly after, I heard the click of a camera phone. Fucking Hell.

To add insult to injury, the bastards were laughing and LOOKING AT ME IN THE EYE like it was a normal thing to take pictures of a stranger on the train. The fucker next to me then tried to lean his head towards me. And his friend tried to take another picture.

All this time, I was staring incredulously at the person who took my pic. But this was beyond the beyonds, I glared at the guy next to me. He ACTUALLY SMILED BACK! Fuck la.

I had the urge to grab his phone and throw it on the ground. However, I realize there were three of them and they all looked rather strong. Also, I didnt want to be charged for damanging a handphone. I suspect the law doesnt protect ppl like me but will persecute me if I actually damaged his hp.

So I stood up, glared at the idiots, and moved to the next carriage. Making sure to catch everyone's attention before I leave and suffienciently convey the fact that these ppl were fuckers. Of course no one offered to help or made any comments to the fuckers. (This is Singapore after all, land of the apathetic).

I am so pissed I am gonna take kickboxing or whatever exercise that will teach me how to cause bodily damage to others. And call or write to the Police and ask them whether they have any laws against this. I suspect not. WTF. Isn't Singapore supposed to be a "fine" country. If they can fine ppl for littering, surely they can fine idiots for taking pictures of unwilling strangers.

My Birthday

2005-11-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Had cake with M at The Big O. The "tirami-su" and "Fruit of Forest" was truly orgasm inducing. I was tempted to lick the crumbs and flakes off the plate. Was pretty depressed cuz, wat the heck, I have an Accting (the module I most hate) exam tomorrow. And its my birthday today, what's more, 21st birthdays are always suppose to be a big deal.

I guess I kinda felt pathetic thinking and remembering all the ppl who celebrated their 21st this year and thinking mine's kinda sad. But I'm supposed to celebrate it with Xiaomin after our exams. Sigh..

Had dinner with my parents. That was nice, been a long time since my Dad celebrated my birthday. The last few times he was out of the country. And he really made an effort to come, buying me a cake and all that. :)

2005-11-02T01:39:00.000-08:00

Now Don't I Look Scary?

Omigod!!! You've survived better than anyone could
have imagined. Bring it on! You completely
kept yourself AND your friends alive. Rate
pleez.

Would you survive the Apocalypse??(Detailed with pics)
brought to you by

Bus Cheats

2005-11-01T00:46:00.000-08:00

Bus Fare Cheats

I Hate Bus Fare Cheats. Its ok if they are old grandpas and grandmas just trying to save some money. But when they are 18-20 somethings, wearing DKNY t-shirts and Levis jeans.. C'mmon?!?! Gimme a break. Pay the damn bus fares. (This is gonna be a long post, I ramble when angry)

Ok, when it comes down to it, I despise myself for not having the guts to stand up to these idiots and say, "Oei! You cheat! You tapped the Ezlink card early!"

Here are my list of excuses why I don't do it.

1. If I point out to the person he/she just cheated, so? He/she already knows, what's my pointing out gonna do?

2. If I shout at him/her to cause him/her shame, who REALLY gets shamed? Him/her, or me? The people waiting impatiently for us to get out of the way so they can get out the bus?

3. The most valid (to me anyway) excuse. I'm petite. When I confront someone I look like the victimized cancer patient in a Korean Soap Drama Serial. I mean, c'mmon, they're gonna take one look at me and laugh. If it comes to a shoving match, one push and I'm gonna end up on the floor.

However, after tcc, blp.. (sorry to those who don't know what I mean), I now have some tactics to counter those excuses.

There are a couple of ways to confront cheats.

1. The Nice Way. Point out in a strong, firm, but quiet voice that he tapped the card early. Before he gets a chance to be confrontational, quickly say in a conspiratory tone, I understand about saving money, but by doing this, you are making others pay for your bus fare cuz the bus company will raise prices. Most ppl will respond politely, but there are ALWAYS exceptions.

2. The Not-So-Nice Way. If he/she does not respond well to The Nice Way, or is obviously aggressive, try this. Point out loudly, "Hey! You cheated! You tapped the card early!!" Make sure you state this clearly so that surrounding ppl can hear you. If you are petite like me, increase the effect by using a I-Am-A-Little-Girl-Trying-To-Be-Strong-Please-Support-Me-Here voice.

When he/she responds aggresively, e.g. saying "None of your business" or horrors of horrors, actually shoving you, say in a shocked voice, "Oh my god, you actually pushed me? How dare you? You cheated and you're not even sorry! You're making everyone pay for your bus fare when the SBS raise the prices! You CHEAT!."

IMPT: the last two statements must be made clearly and loudly. Singaporeans will always be galvanised into action when they hear that it is their money being cheated.

3. The Direct Way. Should only be used when you are boiling with anger and ready to stab someone. Only will this way be effective.

Volume shd be of medium to high level. Let your anger show thru in your voice, make sure your eyes are burning. Say, "You just cheated. Pay it back NOW." Then, if the silly bugger should respond defensively, confrontationally, just let your inner demon take over.

What? You think the third way doesn't work? It worked for me.

I was queueing at the Air Asia counter before boarding (budget airlines are like that, free seating), when this guy had the cheek to cut RIGHT IN FRONT of me! To add insult to injury, he told his friend, "Eh, stand here la,"

WTF?

He was about 1.75m tall, with muscles and and irritating shifty face, but BOY, WAS I MAD! He was previously sitting on the seat, while all the rest of us was standing up.

Me: Excuse me?! Are you cutting queue?"

Him: (Looks surprised that I wld dare to point it out): No, I was in the queue. (Gestures to the SEAT he was on before he got out and cut my queue)

Me: What? You JERK! Fuck Off! You were not in the queue!"

Him (Stares at me in shock): I.. you...

Me: Get Out.

He left. Got out of my sight. Must have been my burning eyes and the shock that someone half his size would tell him to fuck off.

Of course, M standing at 1.8m tall behind me might have helped.

hahahahahahhaha

2005-10-31T23:41:00.000-08:00

Hur Hur

RAVEN EYES

You have Raven
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intellectual,
Wise, Experienced, Honest,
Trustworthy
Negative Traits: Pompous,
Condescending, Withdrawn, Pessimistic,
Depressed

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by

I Like

2005-10-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Kinda Slow I Know

Suddenly felt the urge to listen to Green Day's-Bolevard of Broken Dreams. Whenever I hear this song I feel like I should be out in the night, with the rain pouring down on me and the yellow street lights casting beautiful shapes and glows around.

I'm ok now, I think. Its just exams, always makes me feel like dying. I know that when I start work it will morph into something else, and its kinda sad to think I will never be free from it. But cannot die, so must keep fighting. Maybe someday I'll win.

Thank you for rushing down to talk to me. Thank you for taking me out to eat. Thank you for not minding my ugly tear-stained face. Thank you. I love you.

2005-10-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

it is better to die than to live like this

An Irrepressible Urge

2005-10-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

Irrepressible Urge

Whenever exams roll around, I have an irrepressible urge to fling myself out of the window. I'm being melodramtic of course, how could I fling myself out of the window? Its more like leap.

I feel the walls closing in on me. Like i was in a narrow, airless room. The sides are closing in. Closing in. Closing in. I feel like i will go mad from the suspense. The wait. The wait for death. It is such an intense torment, that I would rather end it myself.

It feels like playing hide and seek, when you're the one hiding. You can hear the seeker coming nearer and nearer for you. His footsteps sound so close, you wonder that he hasnt found you yet.

And then you hear his voice, "I know you're in there. I'm going to CATCH you." You know he will spring soon, you know he has scented you. The instincts of a hunter, he knows you are behind that curtain. He smells your fear, your suspense. Even the bated breath, he can hear the air in your lungs, your heart beating against the walls and arteries in your chest.

Its a matter of seconds. And then, you jump out. You surrender. You give yourself up. And both of you laugh about it, jest each other. But you know better. You know you've already died. You know that if you were in a jungle and that was a predator hunting you, you have given yourself up.

You Know.

And that, is the irrepressible urge I have to leap out of my window everytime I feel the walls of my examinations closing in on me. I can choose to fail, but can I? No. I cannot. I have been born and bred in a system, in a family, that believes that exams are the be all and end all. Better to die than to fail an important exam. For if you fail, you have ruined your future. If you die, at least, sympathy will be shed for you.

So there is no choice, no option of failing. Not for me. Only that of dying.

And that, is a very very sad thing.

Lost

2005-10-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

Lost

He said I lost my consciousness. He said I'm addicted to sadness. He said he wants to come back to a happy me for once.

I think, maybe he's right.

And I think, so what?

Why do I have to live by anyone's standards? What is consciousness? Even now, I still don't know.

I need to live my own life.

I wish I was perfect for him. I really do. But I'm not. I can try to be. But that's not me.

Weekend

2005-10-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

My Day With XingJian, Xiaomin and Jianping

Supposed to go to Sentosa for fun in the sun with XingJian, Xiaomin and Jianping. Due to my lack of time integrity, we ended up at NUS Sports and Recreation Center. I know I know.. ok, this holidays, I will be punctuality itself. This is because punctuality = discipline = integrity. He who is without punctuality cannot keep his word and therefore has no integrity. Not that I have much integrity in the first place but it can't hurt to act like I do.

That aside, I'm getting kinda worried about my exams and deadline. Mainly, my accounting and french worry me. Its kinda weird to worry about my general electives and not my core Mass Comm modules. Mmm... Je sui idiotic.

A Wise Man Said

2005-10-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

The Wise Man Said...

He who is meek and weak may inherit the earth,

Because the strong and mighty have gone to the stars.

Hee hee hee

Quitting that Job of Mine

2005-10-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

Quitting that Job of Mine

Sick of the job and the colleauges. Some of them of course, not all. And tired of rushing down after school. The money will be missed. But as of now, I have NO TIME to shop at all. I have not shopped since school started except for the Bangkok trip in which I hardly bought anything, thanks to M.

Whats the pt of working and having the money but having no time to shop? Cannot take it. I need to shop.

Got the internship with Og*lvy PR. But not with FH. Wonder what I screwed up at the interview cuz i thought it went well. Still, as M so *gently (ya right), pointed out, what really matters now is that I have an offer, and it is the one I wanted anyway. So why bother about someting I know I wouldnt have taken up? Becuz it hurts my pride and makes me wonder What Is Wrong With Me?? Which I always wonder anyway.

Let it go. He always says. Yeah. I'm letting go. letting go. letting go.

Gone!

MuaHaHaHa

2005-10-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

Evil-ness

Muahahahaha. All of you better watch out.

Un-Happy Hour?

2005-10-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Un-Happy Hour?

I was working today, feeling tired and putting on my award winning performance of a happy, helpful waitress. So, near the end of my shift, this guy and this girl sat down. They ordered from another waitress and I served the drinks. This is how it went.

Me: "Here are your drinks sir."

Him: silence

Me: That'll be 28dollars sir.

Him (in heavily chinese accented english): Its Happy Hour?

Me: Er, no sir. Its 10.30pm now, happy hour ended at 8.00pm

Him: No Happy Hour?

Me: No sir, it's ended.

Him: How much is the drinks during Happy Hour?

Me: Well, you've ordered a Tiger and a fruit punch, so the bill will be roughly $4 cheaper.

Him: No extension of Happy Hour?

Me (WTF? signal bells going off in my head): I'm afraid not sir.

Him: Do you have any beer left behind from Happy Hour?

Me (bells starting to ring harder): No sir. Our draft beers are fresh from the tap to ensure that our drinks are of high standards.

Him: Never mind, give me the leftover beer.

Me (bells deafening me): We don't keep leftover beer Sir. (This is keeping in mind that I've already served him his beer)

Him: Why you cannot extend Happy Hour?

Me: Because I'm not the manager or the boss, sir. I cannot make such decisions.

Him: Go and ask your manager

Me: Sure.

When I returned him his change, a similar exchange took place.
The best part of the conversation?

Him: So during Happy Hour you want your customers to be happy?

Me (knowing exactly where he is going): Yes

Him: And during not Happy Hour you want your customers to be unhappy?

Waitressing is such an exciting career.

itsy bitsy polka dot bikini

2005-10-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

Itsy Bitsy Polka Dot Bikini

The most beautiful bikinis I've ever tried. Which one shd I get?

This one is so cute! It doesnt come with the shorts but its so cute. 125 freaking dollars.

This one is cute too but tube bikinis make me feel abit insecure.

This one looks nicer in real life.

Its not like I should be spending on these bikinis anyway, but its still nice to lust over them.

Interview Today

2005-09-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

Interview Sm-interview

I went for two interviews today, MTV Asia and Ogilvy PR. Its for my six months school internship program. Six months leh.. no joke, if i get some unsuitable program and i end up miserable.. *shudders.

Anyway, I happily went to the wrong place for the MTV Asia interview. Why? Ask the person who gave me the wrong location. *grumbles

So instead of that lovely glass building next to Plaza Sing, I ended up at Lido, searching like mad. Only to be told, 5min after the appointed time for interview, that it was at Plaza Sing next door. Please imagine me as a headless chicken, sorry, make that an angry headless chicken, rushing to Plaza Sing in my painful 4-inch heels and, horrors of horrors, perspiring in my GG5 work suit.

So when I reached MTV, they said, oops, now we're busy, can u come back later, like at 2.30?
Er.. ok... I went plaza Sing and found some wonderful bikinis that would cost me 4 days work. They were beautiful pieces of art.

Anyway, when i went back to MTV, I ended up interviewing 4 times. For 4 different departments. Abit confused now.

Then I tripped over to Ogilvy PR, which happily I had personally researched and found the location of. That went ok until the last qn was asked, "So, what do you think are your flaws?"

Dunno why, my brain suddenly short circuited and the only answer that popped out of me was, "Erm, I dont take initiative." Immediately I saw a glazed look cover my interviewer's eyes, and she marked something onto the paper she was holding.

Tehhhhhhh.. next. Just call me miss mouth-in-the-foot

Crook of his arm

2005-09-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

Crook Of His Arm

I like sleeping on the crook of his arm. It gives me neck cramps sometimes, hurts the arm that gets stuck underneath. But the warmth that my heart feels is all quite worth it.

Spooky Tales

2005-09-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

Spooky Tales

I have a sudden urge to tell spooky tales. Yes, in the middle of the day, in the middle of a school mac lab. Its raining outside anyway, pouring rain. So lets go:

I work at a place that shall remain unnamed. Its a 3 storey shophouse thats a conserved historical building. I had been working there for about a week when I first felt there was someting off about the place. It looks something like that.

This shophouse has been converted into a pub, with the first two storeys being used to serve customers and the third storey as the office and locker area for the waiters and waitresses. Now, the first storey is usually quite full at night but the second storey is seldom open at night unless there's an event. So what happens is that the staff can use it as their eating area when there're no customers.

On a rather slow night, the cashier went off somewhere and wasnt at her usual place. A customer asked for the bill rather urgently so I was sent to look for her. Assuming that she has gone for her 5min smoke break, I went upstairs to look for her.

It was dark upstairs, the kitchen staff had gone home, no one was there but its pretty big so I started calling her name. Called a couple of times when this feeling of being watched hit me. I looked ard, but it was dark and i cldnt see much. I went further in a bit to look, and the feeling of being watched just got more intense.

I went downstairs and found the cashier back at her place. She said she had been upstairs and came down shortly before me, but I didnt see her and she didnt see me either. It was then that the other waitresses told me that the place was reputedly haunted. The connecting phones in the kitchen wld ring whenever a waitress went upstairs alone and if you picked it up, there wld be no sound on the other side. Now the phones in the kitchen were only connected with the phone at the bar and when the waitress who came downstairs asked, the answer wld inevitably be that no one called upstairs. There was hardly any reason to.

It happened so often that the no one ever bothered to pick up the phone when they were alone.

These sort of things went on for a long while, and I was never really bothered by ghosts in general so I didnt care much. One night however, I went upstairs before all the other waitresses to change in the locker area because I was in a hurry to go off that night. I was feeling a little upset because a customer had been rather aggressive when I told him we had to pack up for the night.

As I changed, the door slammed shut. For no rhyme of reason. Now, there cldnt possibly have been a draft since it was s tunnel kind of staircase that lead to the third floor, and there was no one coming up for a while, I know because I didn't hear any footsteps up the stairs.

I shrugged and went on, I mean what was I to do? Run downstairs in my underwear? A few moments later, I sensed rather than felt something move, onto my right. The door was to my left and on my right there is a dark corner with a shoe cabinet. I looked at the corner, nothing. I looked down again, and just in that instant, i felt a flash of something in my mind. A doll. A pretty one, that looked like those you saw in a collector's shop. With a nice dress and dark curls for her hair. But the face was malicious. It was just, malicious.

After I got home, I continued having the creeps. What I did to get rid of it, it doesnt matter. But I do think that my upset state of mind was the reason something cld scare me like tt. So if you ever feel like you're in the presence of this kinda stuff, try to calm your mind.

michele does the helpless thing again

2005-09-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

*michele does the helpless thing again*

Changed my blog skin. Having problems enabling comments and archives. Somehow archives don't show up. And I would be greatful if someone taught me how to get rid of that stupid cursor. I want a normal cursor pls. Thank you.

2005-09-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

This twisted thing is me

So much clutter to clear and the very fact that I'm sitting here typing this means I'm not doing crap about it.

I clear the clutter and it comes back, clears it and it comes back. On and on and on. My problems are so boring, so predictable. I'm getting bored of myself. Oh my, I'm actually getting bored with myself. WTH?

I used to cry over them. Now I get bored. Can have something new not? Ok shit, I don't mean give me cancer or anything. Whoever's listening up there, (or reading keke), I DON'T NEED CANCER. Ok, forget it, I don't need more interesting problems. The ones I have are just fine. Don't worry about me oh great Godess of Making Sure We've All Got Problems. I've got my fair share.

Can you imagine how bored I must be to write such a post? god, I'm really bored.

2005-09-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

I Haunt My House

My head is aching, a slight throbbing pain, as if my brain is threatening to burst the thin walls of my skull. My eyes ache. Painfully, I close my eyelids. Each step I take takes me furthur from my body. Into the house. Into the feel of the floor against my foot as I press down on it. Into the texture of the walls as my fingertips touch them. Into the water that runs down my face. Into the droplets that fall into the little holes at the bottom of the sink, getting bigger and bigger as I fall, I fall, I fall.

I must be going mad. Its the sickness I'm sure.

2005-09-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Smoking Grandma

I saw an old lady smoking the other day. She looked like my grandma. She sat on the stool, next to a hawker stall selling fruit juices. She was smoking a Marlboro Light. It was the look on her face that caught my eye. She seemed to be sucking the essence of life in every path. I hate ciggies. Hate the fumes. But just this once, I glimpsed the esctascy of it. Perhaps I saw what I wanted to see. Her resilence. The life still in her.

Will I be like that one day? After the jealousies and thrills of youth have passed, will I still live? Does it matter? Not to anyone but myself. And myself will die one day and pass into dust. So no, it doesn't matter. But since it doesn't matter, why not live anyway? Just for the heck of it. It sure beats not living.

2005-08-24T04:57:00.000-07:00

Daddy

I msged my Dad today. Thought I'd tell him something I've been wanting to for a long time, i'm going to bangkok tomorrow after all, I might die there so best to say it now.

Me: Daddy, what are you doing tonight? (this is our usual lingo for "lets do supper".)

Him: Visitors in town. I'm not free.

Me: I just wanted to tell you I love you face to face.

Him: Thx. C U soon.

WTF??

2005-08-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

Not in her right mind

She read something, she went mad. Her world fell apart for a few moments. An over-reaction. An over-the-cliff reaction.

Baby I'm sorry. It hurt, and I had to hurt you back. It seems as if there're two of me. Silly me, of course there are two of me. There are many me-s arent there?

One stands resolutely in the wind and says, this is what I have chosen, I will stay, I will work it out. Another whispers, let's go, let's leave again, it's not worth it, it's not working, let's go baby, let's go. Is there a core that is me? I don't know. But I'm still here. Standing here where the wind has died down into a breeze. I don't want to leave this time. I don't want to cut my losses. I don't want to run again.This time I'll stay. This time I'll fight.

Just Dust

2005-08-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Just Dust

A fleeting shadow, gone before you know it. If all I'm going to be is dust at the end of it all, then why do I cry?

What's worth crying for? Nothing's worth anything.

Whenever the familiar sadness takes over, I ask myself, what does it matter if I'm only dust at the end of it all?

Its helpful certainly, helps me to stop caring about the small things, helps me to stop caring at all. That's not so good is it? If I'm going to be dust at the end of it all, why not be dust now?Because its fun to live. Now anyway. Its still fun. Its still good. The sad parts I can let go cuz nothing means anything anymore.

2005-06-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Never Been Happier

He once said to me, you're living the life you've always wanted. He is right. Well, not the life i've wanted in its exact detail n entirety, there's still plenty more to be achieved, to learn and to grow. If i had the perfect life now, what wld i live for? When I say i tink i have the life i always wanted, its cuz i'm finally happy. Whenever something happens to make me unhappy or there's a part of myself tt makes me sad, i know how to find its cause, and sometimes i'll ask for help, but it'll always be solved, one way or another. I'm finally happy. I'm with someone i can imagine spending my life with, though its early days to say anything of that sort. Somehow, i seem to have gone through several relationships in which, i know, instinctively, or when i think about it, that this is not a person i can share my whole life with. Something was always missing, perhaps a connection. But this time i can say for sure, i can imagine spending my life with him. Shh.. don't tell him.

At Night

2005-06-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

At Night

I love the night. When I was a child, I used to stare out of the bedroom windows or the balcony. Especially at the road under the street lamp. I love the orange light street lamps in spore cast on a road. It looks welcoming and mysterious at the same time. Just like the night. Just a spot of light to illuminate the way, and darkness again on the road before reaching another light. What you might see, experience, feel on the spots of darkness, you'll never know till you walk it. The spots of lights are for security, knowing the familiar. As i grew older, i began to fear the night. I hated sunset. It reminded me that the day was ending. I suppose its because as i grew older, i began to suspect that the mystery, the potential of the night, the darkness, might never be fulfilled. I had a sheltered childhood, and that, as anything else does, had its pros and cons. I didn't get hurt, at least in the "big bad world outside" kind of way, but i grew to fear hurt and crave security. And yet, the sunset reminded me of another day past, and lost chances to live. And the night became something to fear. Now i would sit at the window, wondering what other girls were doing, while being afraid to venture out. Now I still sit and wonder sometimes. There are still things i wish i cld experience which i never had before, but its become more of a choice than not having a choice because i was afraid. And perhaps, one day i will choose to experience those things too.

Love & Fear

2005-06-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Love & FearTalked to the ex today. Was irritated by his whining. But when i look through old photos of us in my laptop, i wonder, how did it all change so much? I used to adore him. And now, when i talk to him, there's nothing there. Only when i put myself back into the memory of r/s, the sweet moments, then do i feel the love i had at the time. Thats the sad thing, its not even that i hate him now, its a flat, indifferent kind of feeling. Its like, there's nothing there. It makes me wonder, does any love ever last? And then fear sets in. What if the person whom i'm so in love with now, what if one day, it becomes like this too? What if i'm destined to never have lasting love? And then another voice says, "why must love be lasting? If it disappears after a while, does it mean it never existed?" No, it doesnt. This i know. But i cant help crying to know that it might not last. And yes, i remember what you said about love being renewed every day, or if you're lazy, once a week. Its a choice to love another person, or even a job, an object, a pet. Everyday a choice is made to love him or her. I still don't know what would make a person continue to choose to love the same person over and over every day for decades. All I know is that I'm happy choosing this love everyday now. And that is all I need.

2005-06-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

How A Lovely Day Turned Into A Frightful Night Before Becoming A Beautiful Ending
Went out with Em today and had a wonderful time. We met at 1230 at bedok mrt, my fault becuz i woke up feeling sick and had to sleep somemore. Then we took a bus to east coast park, delightfully lost but managing my luck to get down at the right stop and finding our way there. So we had a nice brunch at Macs in East Coast Park. We were supposed to cycle but I knew em cldn't rollarblade so i asked her if she wanted to learn. At first she was like "no no no" but when we got to the rental place and asked her again she suddenly said, ya ok, blade loh. Em's like that, sudden swings, always unpredictable but very brave. So we rented the blades, got knee pads for Em though she was reluctant to wear them.
Off we went, she tried to learn before but she never quite got it, so we bladed around the rental place for a while. After she got more confidence we set out to conquer east coast park. We bladed from Macs all the way to Bedok Jetty. For someone who just started rollarblading, I think its quite an achievement. Had alot of fun on the way, em always fell on slopes and she always falls on her bum, dunno why, keep telling her to fall forwards, afterall she has kneepads so it wont hurt to fall forward. Anyway, halfway one of her wheels came out but i managed to find the screws to put it back so we continued on.
Went past alot of sea and blue sky, stopped and talked on the way, bought ourselves drinks and saw alot of interesting sights. When we got to Bedok Jetty, we played with two cats, and then two dogs. Talked to the owner of the dog and he was quite interested in us, but we were only interested in the dogs, haha. he took some pics of em n me with the dogs but i forgot to ask him to help us take with my camera phone. Still there's one pic of us.
I'll put them all up when i have the time and energy to host them.
Its been a long time since i enjoyed e company of a girl so much, i'm not much of a girls' girl, and i have my fair share of girlfriends but none very close. Even my best friend, who's a girl, she's e same as me, preferring the company of guys or her bf to girls. so whenever we get together its more to shop than anything.
So sad. One of the things i want to change. To have more close girlfriends. but somehow, its difficult cuz the girls i like to be friends with r all girls who prefer male company.
Anyway, i had a good time with emma at east coast, we were quite exhausted when we got back to the rental place to return our blades. We went back to Tanamerah to meet a girlfriend and swim n tan. Not much of a sun left but they were doing e usual backflips and canonballs into the pool.
Had dinner/supper with him after that. What a wonderful day. Unfortunately I went home to a unpleasant conversation. I was telling my mum about my day and how i had fun and everything seemed ok, so i told my mum i was going on a holiday with him this weekend. I didn't expect such a violent reaction, after all, she's accepted the fact tt i sleep over at his place so wat's the difference betw that and going on a weekend holiday? I really dun understand. That wasnt too bad, but she went into her usual judgements and put labels on me that were uncalled for and unreasonable. It just drove me mad.
I almost slept over at X's place but she was sleeping over at mark's place. I told my mum tt this was it, and i guess she cld tell tt i really snapped. So she backed down as she always does and said she's not going to interfere in my life anymore, that when i'm 21 i can have my passport and go whereever i like. Right... like i believe.
Anyway, my grandma is really nice, this morning i woke up to her knocking on my door. she told me she heard us quarrelling and she talked to my mum already. She apprently told my mum to let me go on the holiday and my mum agreed. After that conversation in which i was half awake, i went back to sleep, only to wake up to my mum returning me my passport. At least i get to go on the holiday! yay.
O, and i had a very nice conversation with him after quarreling with my mum. which helped me calm down. And we talked about some interesting stuff which helped me to sleep with a smile on my face after that. so nice.
Today i woke up and checked my mail for the reply from british council, no joy there. Feeling waves of uselessness sweep over me again, i really got to do something to help me get rid of this feeling. Even a simple job, as long as i make money and i'm doing something. argh.

momentum taking off.. vroom vroom

2005-05-07T03:10:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting at my desk, completely maxed out. Today was a busy day for me. Did alot of things, accomplished alot. Won a big victory and many small ones. Learnt alot today as well. Gotta pack my room.. I must I must.. sleepy now, blog tomorrow.

Restless

2005-05-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

Alot of things happening these couple of weeks. Firstly, I've finally mastered my fear of swallowing pills!! haha.. I know it doesn't sound like much but i really have a phobia towards swallowing pills in the past. I would usually crush the pills into powder before swallowing, if it were capsules, I'd open them up and pour out the powder and mix it with some water before swallowing. As you might imagine, it was rather disgusting. If it were not possible to crush the pill, I'd take about a jug of water to swallow a pill the size of a normal panadol. Yes. A jug. Big jug. Beer jug kind of size. So I never had a problem with drinking more water when I was sick because swallowing pills meant I had to swallow huge amounts of water anyway.

So after TCC, I found myself faced with swallowing pills again. The same antibiotic capsules that had so terrified me before. I decided this is it, my Act of Courage, haha, dumped the pill into my mouth and took a big glup of water. Consciously throwing my fear away, I swallowed hard. And it went down!! Usually when I swallowed my pills, I'd take small timid swallows, so even if the pill went in, it'd get stuck in my throat which of course made me even more terrified. And now I am proud to say, I can swallow pills with just one glup of water. *Applause please.

It is something small but also big for me. Just one of the things I realise that is me putting myself in situations I don't want to be in. Kind of like two sides of me, one saying, its just a pill, swallow it and get it over with. And the other saying, you can't do it, it'll get stuck and choke you. Now, its a matter of which side I choose to let win. Obviously, in this case, the better choice would be to get it over with. I won this battle of fear. There are many more to conquer.

Something else now. Yesterday night we had a preview, and I was course supervisor. A bit challenging because the logistics were all being used in chinese TCC. Still it was done. Logistics, coordinating the team, it went smoothly enough. Only thing was that the markers I got were all of the same colour and Mervin wanted them in different colours. Too bad la, didn't specify before that, haha. The preview was one of the best I have ever attended, due to the fact that I am very biased since I was CS and Merv was the perview leader, haha. Still, one of the things that made me so happy was that my guest got something out of it. In spite of my lousy ability to communicate the value that can be gotten out of a preview, Joo Lin decided to humour me and come anyway. And seeing him get something and knowing it wasn't a waste of time for him, made it all worthwhile. That's all I ever wish for my guests. That they get something out of it, that they leave thinking the three hours were worth it. I have never had a guest who said that it was a waste of time. But I have too few guests. Guess its really because I'm still not good at conveying what I am offering.

Had lunch with my dad this afternoon. Talked to him about business and about my dream. He gave some good advice. My dad doesn't really listen. But through all his bulldozing through the conversation, I really heard what he had to say. In the past, if he cut me off, I'd close my ears to whatever he was saying. Passive agressive revenge ya? Today I really listened to what he had to say. And some of the things really made sense. Also, I think he also saw the need for me to grow, to have space to make my own decisions and take the consequences. He told me if I did an internship he would support me by raising my allowance for that period, since I was talking about the financial difficulties. So i would have 600 a month! Yay! And he agreed to get my mum to transfer a 1000 from my savings account to my withdrawal account for my own uses. Its a compromise but a victory I am proud of. It is also a responsibility.

I know what I have to do at this period of time. I want to build the foundations of my life. To work intensively on my life and build the basic skills I need to be a successful person when I graduate from university. Two years. A good time. As right as it would ever be. So pile on the skill sets, the tools. Most importantly, I will fight each and ever battle I must fight so that I can gain strength. All the tiny battles of fear, like with the pill. And all the big ones.

And now its time to drag my lazy ass to yoga. I am gaining a bit of weight from all the suppers, so I better excercise. Better pack my room too, now that is a big battle, hahahhahaha.

Happiness

2005-04-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

I was watching The Hours on my laptop. yes, I know its kinda late to watch it but I watched it halfway on a flight from France to Singapore and I never finished it because it was kind of depressing for a flight movie.

So anyway, I got something interesting when there was the scene of Mrs. Dalloway talking to her daughter. She said something like how she got up one morning and she felt "this is it", like endless possibilities. And she felt so happy. She thought this is the beginning of happiness. And now, looking back, she realised that that moment was happiness. That moment was happiness.

It makes me look back at the moments I was happy. Before TCC, that is. A a childe, I was happiest on Friday nights. The potential of the weekend made me happiest. Which made me realised that I was generally happiest when I believed there was more happiness to come. And that's kinda sad when you think about it. And when I realised that the potential of the weekend never did quite come true, I stopped being as happy on Friday nights. And my parents called it growing up. Letting reality hit you.

That's crap. If the only way I can be happy is when I think there is somemore happiness to be gotten, I'll never even really live those few moments of happiness. And after a while, resignition that the potential of happiness is an illusion will set in. That's not happiness. There are other kinds of happiness out there, that doesn't have to be bolstered by the illusions of more happiness to come. I've found it through the throw of a die.

Anyone wants to play dice with me?

Because I Choose To

2005-04-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Choice, such a easy word to say. People always like to say "I choose to do this" or "I choose not to do this." And they say it fucking over and over again as an excuse. An excuse for not doing what they need or really want to do. An excuse for them being scared shitless to do what they must do or want to do. Choice becomes the everlasting mantra to repeat, in compensation for the lousy piece of shit we've let ourselves become. My favourite is this one, "Because of my circumstances/situation/financial problems/gf/bf, I choose the best choice I can make." Fuck you, when circumstances come into consideration, there is NO CHOICE.

And I am saying that to myself as well as to all of you. Whoever's reading this.

What am I gonna do about it? I am going to choose. As often as I can, whenever I can see myself not choosing, I will choose. And I will fail, but I will fail kicking and screaming. Everyone dies? Everyone fails? Fine, I'll fucking die and fail kicking and screaming.

There Are Two Of Us Inside.

2005-04-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

There are two different people inside you. Actually, there's more but I'm talking about just these two today.

Lets call them Ang and Dev. Ang is the one who dreams and really belives that the dreams can come true. Ang is the one who says, "Fuck all the impossiblities, I'm gonna do it anyway." Ang gives you courage, she is what gives you hope. Without her, you'd be a sucidal, depressed individual with no hope. You'd kill yourself sooner or later.

Dev is the one who looks at the thousands of reasons why you cannot fulfill your dreams, and recite them to you, one by one, every single day, till the day you give up that dream. Dev eats at you, slowly but surely. Whenever you decide to make an act of courage, move in the direction of your dreams, Dev will come in and shit all over it and tear away your courage from you.

There are two of you. But one is the real you. You know how sometimes you want something but you don't want it at the same time? For example, I want to have my own retail store but I don't want to because of the risks and effort involved. What do I really want, what does the real me want? To open the store la. So who is the other me? The one which developed slowly as I came to know the "real" world. The world of limitations, broken and shattered dreams, pain and hurt, sadness and disappointment.

So Dev, I vow to fight you everyday, every inch of the way. I vow this to myself.

Exams R Over!!

2005-04-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep the night before. I realise that I have a last burst of energy whenever it comes to the last lap, so since today was the last paper, I had so much energy last night I was practically bouncing off the walls. Which isn't that great since now I'm feeling kinda sleepy..

Assisting at ECI now, have decided to test my level of tolerance for sleep deprivation. After this will be having dinner with my friends, then its gonna be training and then party for Emma and Min's bday. The estimated end time is probably 3 am. hahaha.. If I can not fall asleep during BLP, I'll applaud myself.

Had an interesting conversation yesterday with a friend who coached me. I've been wanting to go into the retail business, and I have my eye on a shop. Wanna learn the ropes from the owner, she designs her own stuff and I really admire the designs. I guess the most important is the experience, like where she gets her stuff from, and then if possible, the technical stuff like sewing and cutting.

Back to the point, I was running the put-off-doing-anything because I was scared I'll get rejected. Its my weak spot. Working working working on it. And getting my ass kicked for it. So I'm gonna get out my proposal by tues, and approach the store owner by wed. And if that doesn't work out, I'll try again. And again and again. Muahahahahha.

Letting it go

2005-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Recently I fell into a pit, a big, fat, dark pit of old pains and insecurities. Even now, I don't think I've climbed out of it completely. But I can finally glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel at last. I've always known that it existed, no doubt, I had faith in that. It's just only now that I can see the light, which means now I know which direction to head for.
Letting go. That is tough. It really is. You know how when you're all depressed or bothered or angry at something or someone? And some hapless friend who's had to listen to you go on and on about something that cannot be changed finally gives the only advice he can give: Just fucking let go.
Usually I'd get pretty pissed, like, you don't know how I feel! You don't know how painful/bad/depressing/irritating/blah blah blah it is! How dare you tell me to let go?!?! But when that someone tells me to let go, I know its the only way out of this hole I've fallen into. Let me introduce you to this someone in my life, he is someone who knows me, knows me sometimes better than I know myself. And in spite of that, he hasn't run off screaming into the sunset yet, which I must applaude. So when he gives me advice like that, I take it seriously.
By now, I realized I've failed to mention what the black hole is about. Should I say it? Hmm.. its kinda hard to explain. Ok here goes, I've basically got an insecurity thingy that runs me pretty often. After TCC, (go read the earlier posts), I've gotten a better hold on it, which means, once in a while, I'm able to catch my insecurity when it starts running like a raving loony being chased by the devil. Once In A While. It doesn't come all of the time, but it comes often enough. And being able to stop in ONCE IN A WHILE just doesn't quite cut it for me. I mean, c'mmon, I can do better than that, I have to.
What am I insecure about this time? Ah well, that's kinda private. Suffice to say, its an old problem. And there's nothing left to do but to drop it. No amount of talking it out, crying, worrying, fretting and sulking is gonna make a difference. Its time to Cut It Off like the cancer it is. (And if i hear anyone saying "Insecurity is a good thing what... I'll hit you on the head. Of course I'll hear your rubbish explanation first on why its a good thing then show you why its not and hit you on the head)
I do know it won't be easy and perhaps I'll never be able to stop it completely. Correction, it's always gonna pop up, perhaps less frequently as time passes and I keep dropping it, but it'll still come up at unexpected times. So its a matter of how I react to it. I'm gonna need strength for this one, but it's worth it.
Sleepy now, shall read my notes for Intercultural Comm before I sleep, exam's on Monday so I'm still feeling comfortably distant enough from it.

the post that was supposed to be short

2005-04-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

I was looking at my last few posts, they look kind of long. So here's a short one. My exams are coming and I'm studying. I guess the difference between studying for this semester's exams and the last semester's is that I'm studying out of interest this time.

I used to study because of expectations. My own, I thought. Actually, it was more of a combination of what I though success in school should look like from the expectations of my parents, the comparison of my results with those of my peers and relatives. Its not that comparison is bad, it's just that I became stressed out, unhappy, and panicky when I tried to fulfill these expectations, forgetting to enjoy the process of studying.

Yup, you heard right, enjoying the process of studying. I can see some of my friends' faces cringe. Still, along the way of my years in the education system, I've forgotten that studying can be fun. It doesn't have to be about memorising endless, tedious information. It can be about absorbing and being in a space of wonderment at what you can learn from books and studies. Sometimes I'll be reading a set of notes and I'll come across an interesting piece of information. For example, I was reading my notes for a module, visual communication. The particular chapter was on photography. This line poped up at me:

"Because there are so many variables in photography -- in terms of camera angles, use of light and dark, texture, and focus -- we must recognize that a picture is always an interpretation of reality, not really reality itself. "

Now that is interesting, because though I've never given much thought to it, I've more or less thought that photos were just snapshots of reality at that instant. So for that moment, that snapshot, is reality. However, if you think about how much factors go into the photographer's decision to take the photograph, even sub-consciously, you'll realise that the photograph is merely the photographer's interpretation of reality at that instant. In fact, it might not even be the photographer's interpretation of reality, he/she might just want to make a point or manipulate the audience. sounds a bit sinister here.

Ok, my point is that, sometimes we overlook why we are studying for. Its not just because of that little piece of paper we hold at the end of our education that says we are a Bachelor of something or the other. Its the knowledge that we learn, that we process ourselves and fit into what we already know in our heads. And sometimes, we use that knowledge along with what we know, and churn out something that impresses those around us with fresh ideas. If I were to go by my past mentality, coming across that piece of information, I would firstly judge if it would be tested on in the exams, if I thought it would be, I'd memorise the whole damn thing and then vomit it out again during the exams. Will i pass? of course. Will i do well? Perhaps. Would I have learnt anything? Not really, except the ability to stretch my memory.

Right, I know I promised a short post. I had no idea I was going to ramble so too. So what? "Its my blog and I'm ramble if I want to.." lalala . sing along to that extrememly retro song, "Its my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if i want to, cry if i waaant toooo." muahahahah.

walla walla

2005-04-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

Walla walla @holland village played host to three little piggies today. One was a boy piggy, desperately unhappy but trying to be happy. He was trying to be happy for the two other piggies, and most of all for himself. But he knew he was unhappy. He just didnt dare to test the depths of his unhappiness.

The other little piggy is a girl. She isn't very unhappy nor is she very happy. Sometimes, when everything is quiet and the voices in her head soften down a little, she sits there and realises that she really isn't happy at all. And that makes her sad. She has everything a girl could want, and yet, something's missing. She doesn't really know what it is, and she doesn't really want to find out, because she's comfortable where she is, even though she's not very happy.

The last little piggy is also a girl. She sat there at Walla Walla today with her friends. She was very very sad, because she loves her friends desperately and it cuts her to see them sad. There are very few people who mean as much to her in her life. They represent a happy and innocent period of her life. And she knows what it feels like to be unhappy as they are. She's found a way out of that now. She's found her happiness. The one that comes from within, not the temporal one that comes from circumstances or other people. She wishes she could share it with them. (And for those of you who are going... chey... she sharing about Jesus, I'm going to thump you on ur head. No! I'm not.)

But the male little piggy is too mired in his muck to see the light out of it. She knows it will be a while more before he is ready. The other little piggy however, is ready. But she's comfortable in the muck she's in, she cries.

I cry too. I cry because I know how much more beautiful your life could be, how much clearer and brighter the colours of your life could be, if only you could see it. Most of all, i cry because i don't want to see you in the muck you are in.

Windy Day

2005-04-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

Out of the darkness,
sweeps a cold, biting wind.
She cuts, imperious and unfeeling.

As she flies across continents,
she sees the suffering of humanity.
Broken loves, poverty of spirit and body.

Her chilled heart says,
I am glad I'm not human.
Yet her spirit betrays her wish.

One day she breaks down and weeps,
I wish, i wish i was human.
Their mortalness and fragility makes every moment precious.

My love.
Between the rose and the diamond,
I choose the mortal rose.

michele the silly elephant

2005-04-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I realised something about me yesterday. I always had this problem, I don't perform to my fullest potential in the area of studies. I usually leave things to last min before i do it, even though i have time and energy to do my work earlier and thus have more time to do a better job.
These are my usual reasons/factors for not doing my work till the last minute, when i have no choice. "I don't want to do the work" "I can but don't muster the energy" "I'm afraid I won't do a good job" "It takes alot of effort to make the piece of work as well as i want it to be." "It never turns out as well as i want it to be"
Great reasons don't you think? So i walk around not doing the best i can in case i put in all my effort and still get disappointed by the results. You laugh, yes its very funny, but i've lived with it all my life and even though i see it clearly for what it is now, it doesn't mean i can just up and put it down. Its like that elephant thats been chained to a tree since he's a baby. Now that he's big and grown up, and can snap the chain easily, he's STILL standing there stuck to the tree. Stupid? yes sure, understandable? perhaps.
Of course now that i see it for what it is, i dont have any excuse to continue standing there next to that puny coconut tree. But i am afraid. I don't have faith in myself, i don't think i can do it, that i can perform to my expectations. or whatever i have considered to be success all these years. I don't have faith i can do it. i dont have faith in myself. I don't have courage to do my best knowing that i may still fail. i can't accept it, i don't dare to.
So how? haha, i don't know also man.. ok la, i have faith that now i know clearly what the problem is, the solution is at hand. Soon, soon, i will be ready to break that chain. Perhaps i've already broken it, but I'm still not used to the freedom so i'm still hanging about the tree, wandering about it, thinking i'm still stuck to it.
Anyway, its kinda late to provide backgrd information but here it is. I didn't realise this problem and its source all by myself of course. haha, if i could do that i would have done it a long time ago wouldn't i? the problem is that, we all have our blindspots, we can point out other people's blindspots like nobody's business, but we can't see our own. I guess we're too attached to our problems, our past, our pains, to be able to detach ourselves to see our blindspots.
I was at my blp training, its this Basic Leadership Program at ECI, the coaching organization which conducted TCC. (For those going, huh? pls look at the first few posts. TCC is The Courage to Create. I haven't figured out how to link to past posts, when i do i will then it won't confuse people who haven't seen the first few posts.) Back to the topic, i was blp training, and lo and behold, the master coach was teaching us how to solve problems for people. Me, having had this problem on my mind for quite a while, decided to be the case study when he asked for volunteers. So in a 2.49 min conversation he had with me, he deconstructed my whole problem. the problem, the factors, the source, how it affects more than just my school life. As i sat there, i was going, o crap, what have i gotten myself into? but in a way, i'm really glad tt i've gotten clarity in this problem. It feels like the first step to putting an end to this way of thinking which has limited me for so long. Or perhaps its more than one step. Kelvin, the one who was coaching us, put in place something to help me along in this problem. i won't go into there right now, it'll be a really long story.
Suffice to say, the light at the end of this tunnel can be glimpsed, so it seems a long way still. If this entry has you scratching your head and going "huh??", sorry la, i'm feeling abit confused mah.

Vanity and vulnerability

2005-03-31T21:51:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling vulnerable recently. I guess when you bring down your guards, the many layers you've built up over the years, the vulnerability is something tt comes with that. Over the years I've learnt to build up many defenses, many masks. They come from experiences, painful bitter experiences. And they protect me. But recently I've come to realise that though they protect me, they stifle me as well. Its like they've become stuck onto me and i don't know how to put them down even when i want to.

Well, slowly in these four months I've learnt to put the masks down. Reason why i say four months is becuz I did my TCC in Dec. The first major mask I put down was the mask that protected me over the years, the one that said Don't love. For years and years, i couldn't love. or at least, i couldn't feel it. yes, couldnt feel it is more accurate. But i won't go into that right now, I'll leave that for another day. It's a big thing.

Yesterday night, I put down another mask for a few moments. Just a few moments. Its an age old mask, one that i've held on tight to and one I never thought i would let go. Vainity. That was the mask I put down for those few instants. O god, it was beautiful. It felt as if, for once, i can be free of that. As if i have been standing all my life, whether facing breezes or tempests in my life, I've had that mask. Sometimes it protects me, it protects me from the full effects of a tempest. And yet, when the caressing breezes came in my life, the light winds that i so badly wanted to feel on my bare skin, I couldn't. I had lost the ability to put down my mask. It was no longer me using my masks, my masks were running me.

Let me give an example. When i was young, about pri 3 or around there, i went to France to visit my cousins. I played and laughed, jumped and rolled on the fields. When the winds blew i ran with them, i flew with them and the only time i stopped was when i heard my mother's voice calling me back. Over the years i went another 2 or 3 times. Two years ago i went again. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't feel the same pure joy. I no longer ran with the wind, I couldn't. I didn't understand why, i put it down to age. When i went skiing for the first time, i was determined to learn but i didnt have fun. It had become something i had to achieve. I could no longer race down that slope with free abandon, shouting and laughing. I had to make sure my hair was in place, i didn't smile too wide because it would make my cheeks seem even puffier, my eyes even smaller. I had to look beautiful.

And yesterday, I finally felt the mask drop for a while. I felt the pure night wind against my face again. I felt like a child again, the one that went running madly in that field of dandelions, who didn't care if her hair was standing up all over the place and the white seeds got caught in her clothes. Here i make a promise to myself, I will put it down again. and again. and again. till the day i know i can put it down anytime i want to. i will keep learning, till the day that no masks run me, i use them and i can put them down anytime i want to.

Loneliness, my old friend.

2005-03-31T00:12:00.000-08:00

Just came back from a preview to the Courage to Create. Sometimes i stop and ask myself, why am i doing this for? What happened to the selfish me? The one that said, I won't do anything unless its absolutely necessary and even then, I'm gonna do as little as possible. Whenever i stop and think, why do i do so much to get my friends to see things for themselves, to invite them down to previews and then to TCC, i remember anew the reason.
To see their faces light up when they see the possibilities for their lives. The possibility of greatness. The possibility of freedom, from whatever doubts, insecurities, fears, pains that has been pulling them down for so long. For them to finally get it. Get life. Get that not wanting to be dead, that not dying doesn't mean they are living. For them to get what living is about. The fulfillment of living to the fullest. That is the reason I do this.
Got a ride back, got off the bike, said my goodbyes, walked up the stairs to my hostel room. And WHAM, it hit me. That loneliness, hit me again. I haven't experienced it for the longest time. Went into my room, decided to get some food because I haven't had a proper dinner. Walked to the canteen and bought food, met some friends there, talked a bit. As i walked back to my room again, i asked myself, why did it hit me? Why this loneliness again? Why now, after being gone for so long? Loneliness, my old friend, why have you come back now?
And then i realised, its not the enemy anymore, it never was. Old friend, i welcome you back. And you don't hurt me anymore, or rather, i don't hurt myself by suffering when you are here. Hard to explain, i used to think i was the only one so abnormally lonely, that no one cld ever understand the depth of my pain. And now, its no longer that way, I've become comfortable with loneliness, like a grumpy old cat that sits in the corner of my heart. Inexplicable. But there you are, welcome back my old friend.

A new beginning

2005-03-29T05:22:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking of starting a new blog for a while. So many things have happen since the start of my new life. Guess its becuz so many things have been happening that I haven't had much time at all, when ur busy living a life, its tough to find time to record them all down.
But i believe that only when i journal down all my life can i note how much I've grown over time. Just in these four months, I've lived a lifetime. For those who don't know, I attended a program called The Courage to Create. It's conducted by ECI, executive coach international, i guess you could call it life coaching. But seriously, calling it a program or course just doesn't cut it. Calling it life coaching doesn't cut it. I'm don't know how to share what it is, but i promise to try. Not today though.. soon.
I know for those who've known me for a while, you guys probably think I've gone weird or something. haha, i've never been one to gush about something. And I'm still the same, well, in that way anyway, I'm still the girl in school who sits behind and i'm still the girl who takes things with a large pinch of salt. Its just that this is something special to me. That's all.
Got a presentation I'm determined to finish by tonight. It's gonna be something special, I'm gonna make it something I'm proud of. That's kind of something I've picked up from doing TCC (the courage to create la), a passion and pride in the things I've chosen to do. Yes, even for school.

A miracle

2005-03-28T05:16:00.000-08:00

Woke up to a brand new day. Talked to my mum and grandma, had lunch with them, talked to them. Its the type of conversation I could never have had before. It wasn't particularly deep or anything, just, comfortable. Even when my mum said stuff that would usually trigger me into a fit, I didn't feel any such thing when she said the stuff she did. It wasn't that i didn't feel any emotions, it was just a kind of i-understand-why-she-is-the-way-she-is kind of feeling. No anger. Now that is what I call a miracle.